Everybody has their own way of dealing with grief. You think you know what yours will be when the time comes, but really, you don't - till you are faced with it. Less than a year ago I lost both my parents and an uncle in a car accident in Brazil. Horrible and inconceivable. Made even more horrible and inconceivable by the fact that it happened on the same stretch of road (barely 5 miles apart) from where I lost my younger brother nineteen years ago.I have since returned to Brazil twice with my only sister, and am now getting ready to go again. My mom owned a small photo developing business which was actually started by my brother. The Brazilian courts have finally gone through all the red tape of taxing any property that both my Mom and Dad (divorced now for over 19 years) had and now, as executor of the estate, I must oversee and dispose of it as my sister and I see fit.
The fact that my parents didn't live close to me, kind of masks the full effect that they are now gone forever. It hits me like a ton of bricks and without warning every so often, though. I got to see them every other year, on average, but did talk to them over the phone frequently. Being busy taking care of business, dealing with lawyers, insurance company, government agencies, and frustrating relatives, have all had a role in becoming the focus of my rage and grief. As long as that is going on, the heart breaking cannot be heard much over the cacophony of demands my brain has to concentrate on.
And that's just it. The legality of it all, although long from being over, is finally settling down to the point that we can now proceed to the slow steps of disposing of assets. Slowly. Nothing ever happens in a timely fashion in Brazil. If I had a dime for every time I heard "Miss, this will only take 5 minutes..." I'd be retiring in my own private island next to Oprah right about now. Regardless, in my mind, I have a specific time plan to get this done and over with. At which point, should there be any money left, I would love to throw a good bye party (never ever underestimate the many ways in which a government can and will tax you and yours while alive and then, not thinking that death is anything much in the way of an obstacle to deter them in their avarice for taxing beyond the grave, they keep on taxing you). Not good bye to my parents - they, as my brother, will always be with me, wherever I go (that's the mantra people say to you and that you keep hearing in your head, if for no other reason than to keep yourself from falling apart). But good bye to that country as I once knew it. The world is a vast and beautiful place. I'd like to start re-visiting places that I saw in my younger days (Scotland, England, Argentina, Uruguay) and others that I have only dreamed of or talked about. Places that come with no baggage but instead, promises of different adventures and happier memories.
That's a thought, anyway. We'll see how it goes. We'll see how I go along with it. You know what they say about best laid plans...
"It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things."
— Lemony Snicket
